So, today I had an interview for a janitorial position at my local movie theater. I arrive 2 hours before the interview so I can get my uncontrollable panic attacks under control, when out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of a glistening, greasy slice of movie theater pizza being carried off my my local fat man. I decide to grab a couple slices to help calm my nerves. As I'm taking the first slice, I drop a large amount of sauce directly into my penis. I begin to PANIC, because it looks like I'm having my period from my dick. I get up and immediately dash to the rest room where I furiously scrub my groin with hand soap and water. My hearts beating faster and faster, and my head begins to get heavy. I decide to just give up and make my way back to the table, hoping it'll dry properly. My panic attack is at full strength right now. I decide to take a bite of pizza, but my jaw locks up and my saucy slice slides slowly down the front of my finest Walmart button up. This is it, this is where I die I thought. Just then, the manager comes out to meet me for my interview, and I somehow stumble back to his office. He starts to ask me if I'm okay, but all of a sudden my bowels release, and I completely shit my pants. It's just flowing out the pant legs and decide to run out of the office in embarrassment. The moment I stand up, I slip in the shit and slide across the floor like and air hockey puck before slamming face first into the guys leg. He offered me the job on the spot.

How long does it usually take you to come up with these lame stories?

I believe this story to be true

Lol. Also congrats

f*ck off retard.