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Lamb of God frontman Randy Blythe accidentally burnt his penis

6/18/2014 12:00:14 PM PT   comments [23]

Lamb Of God vocalist Randy Blythe has bravely revealed that he accidentally burnt his penis last week after spilling hot coffee on his crotch. Here is his account:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL.

There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments. The sun was setting and it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks and sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music and making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well...it had covered my penis.

I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try and make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control and started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice.

I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I've told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.



Comments
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 12:13:06 PM
lambgoat written all over it
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 12:13:40 PM
"Lambgoat - Harcore music and metal music news"
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 12:16:50 PM
So gawd damn easy to write this
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 12:20:09 PM
This post is about as metal as ZZ TOP
your_band_sucks   posted 6/18/2014 12:34:21 PM
At least he didn't push his penis off a stage.
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 12:36:26 PM
Pics or it didn't happen
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 1:16:03 PM
They have a "Burning Hand" shirt, I wonder if they will create a new design with a "Burning Dick"
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 1:16:09 PM
They have a "Burning Hand" shirt, I wonder if they will create a new design with a "Burning Dick"
gorillatriscuits   posted 6/18/2014 1:31:32 PM
Wow, none of you new skool jabroni's did it, how about…they should stick with Burn The Penis, i mean Priest. Nerds.
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 1:38:53 PM
Lambgoat - new of people peeing in their mouth and burning their dicks off
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 2:38:46 PM
We'll dance as the phalluses burn.
thetowerofrome   posted 6/18/2014 2:46:06 PM
Lol
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 4:05:54 PM
most metal thing ever written on here. \m/
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 4:43:28 PM
thats what he gets for even wanting or tryin to comment on brockies death
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 4:43:34 PM
thats what he gets for even wanting or tryin to comment on brockies death
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 5:49:06 PM
As The Phalluses Burn
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 6:06:14 PM
murderer should be in prison

lucky he still has a penis to burn off. it could be worse, he could be dead like the kid he murdered.
anonymous   posted 6/18/2014 8:30:11 PM
dead serious, it happened to me a few years back while making tea. i stood shouting in a cold shower afterwards and screaming the name and number of a co worker that i knew had pain pills.
solidarity bro.
genghisjohn   posted 6/18/2014 8:40:53 PM
anonymous   posted 5 hours ago
We'll dance as the phalluses burn.

LOL
anonymous   posted 6/19/2014 9:11:06 AM
must have had his penis in a shot glass
anonymous   posted 6/19/2014 10:32:31 AM
Road along
anonymous   posted 6/19/2014 12:54:00 PM
did he get it from McDonalds? he could sue
anonymous   posted 6/23/2014 7:09:12 PM
"Surf" trunks??? Doesn't this gary live in Virginia? Yeah man, real surf city USA there. PISS OFF