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this is probably a joke, but it might not be

Fri, March 15, 2013 8:22 AM PT


There is new website on the scene called RetiredArtists.com. And while on the surface it may seem like an advocacy group for, well, retired artists, it isn't. It's apparently a way for bands and "musicians" with no talent and/or songwriting ability to still have actual songs. Here's their pitch:

RetiredArtists is a collective of musicians who were previously involved with touring the world and being in bands in underground scenes.

We grew up, but never had the love of music leave us. Everyone involved with RetiredArtists was in a band that was signed and toured extensively, on labels ranging from Victory Records to Bridge 9 Records. You most likely heard of the bands we were in, but we aren't going to be specific on the site.

What do we do? We make it easy for that guy who wants to sing in a metal, hardcore, punk or rock band (but doesn't have the music-writing friend to help him) write songs. We also make it easy for someone struggling with writing their own music in a band get consistent by writing songs that they can learn, as theirs, and branch off from there.

How do we do it? You tell us what style you want your songs in based on specific bands, and we will write you songs. The best part? Everything is discreet. Nobody will know. Why play your shitty songs when you can play consistent amazing ones written by us badass guys who toured in (and with) bands whose names would make you nut yourself.

This seems like something the Onion would produce, and I'm hopeful it's a joke. But there is an actual website here (who buys a domain and pays for hosting just for a laugh?), and it looks as if some thought was put into it. It's not quite April 1st, so the timing isn't right either.

I'll pretend this isn't some sort of parody website for a second. If you need help writing hardcore and punk songs, then don't be in a hardcore or punk band. Or perhaps learn to write before trying to sell your music and play shows. The whole premise is beyond stupid. But then again, I could see some good-looking, scene kids with little musical ability thinking this would be some sort of ticket to indie stardom. You might even be able to convince me that this is how The Bunny The Bear wrote their new album.

I'm thinking of hiring them to write a song just to see if it's actually any good. Anybody want to chip in?


Post Comment
anonymous 3/15/2013 8:31:20 AM

that guitar player from For TooGay must be behind this lifeflip forever

anonymous 3/15/2013 8:46:14 AM

Haha yeah The Bunny The Bear suck dck! The worst part is that they are from my hometown.

anonymous 3/15/2013 8:54:29 AM

johnny craig's latest venture.

bees 3/15/2013 9:04:09 AM

How much is it for a song? I'll chip in 5 bucks if the lyrics are about being edgy and hating god.

anonymous 3/15/2013 9:15:58 AM

thats a chance for you guys, better than talking shit all day long on lambgoat

anonymous 3/15/2013 9:23:29 AM

Cheaper than Tim Armstrong. I still remember when you could get Huey Lewis and the News as your backing band for a bottle of Jack and carton of shinola.

anonymous 3/15/2013 9:46:12 AM

Your songs will be mailed to you in a plain brown envelope labeled "NOT PENIS CREAM".

anonymous 3/15/2013 11:00:47 AM

90% of all hardcore is fake and i wrote it

anonymous 3/15/2013 11:06:26 AM

so basically they're taking the Sumerian formula and making a business out of it

brokenhero 3/15/2013 11:56:05 AM

i was laughing out loud by the end of that

MeatDelivery 3/15/2013 12:38:41 PM

No disqus. Thank you Alex this is much better

anonymous 3/15/2013 1:17:21 PM

well. I know who took that picture with the ceiling fan. is it a clue? heheh.

anonymous 3/15/2013 1:19:37 PM

i still think tiki barber's 'hire a former athlete for lunch/golf/etc...' service is sadder.

anonymous 3/15/2013 1:35:59 PM

It's fake, b9 board found some list that would reveal it as a joke on April fools

genghisjohn 3/15/2013 2:54:00 PM

....And talentless nothings get a second wind at being something. I hope this is a fcking joke

anonymous 3/16/2013 6:10:54 AM

Yeah, this is great. Now all you talentless, fat ass, lambgoat posters who sit around playing with your balls all day and critique everything that isn't cannibal corpse, finally has a shot at life

anonymous 3/16/2013 11:11:43 AM

My pants just exploded; what a bargain. Put me down for 3 songs, please.

anonymous 3/17/2013 4:58:46 PM

Big Chocolate used to offer the same services. If you can't write a song then don't bother playing songs.