AlbumsNovember 29, 20115,560 views

Early Man Early Man


1. Fight AUDIO CLIP 2. Death Is The Answer To My Prayers 3. The Undertaker Is Calling You
2005 Monitor Records
Our score 3

10/4/2005

Look, I wish I could engage in the irony orgy that breaks out every time this disc is spun, but I actually like music. So to me, Early Man sounds like everything their bio would have me believe: Ohio kids who moved to New York City and gained a following of LES media-class fans on the strength of their "boozy, nostalgic heavy metal." Trite blowjob rock, for short. Everything about this EP turns my stomach: The Corrosion of Conformity moments, the Ozzy solo album tidbits, the retrogressive tongue-in-cheek bullshit of it all. Aside from the strength of "The Undertaker Is Calling You," this disc is the definition of a polished metal turd. All style, no substance, this three song EP is the calling card of people so obsessed with genre they forgot genuinely great music transcends record store filing. My complaints about this album go well past the standard "they're not doing anything new" argument. This isn't about changing the face of music, it's about having the balls to do your own thing and not rely on the misplaced longing of young people for a time period they saw the tail end of, if at all. I anticipate that in our current climate of complete regurgitation, this will be the next big thing. Expect it to last three weeks before competing irony-scientists go into the lab and reemerge with their newest creation, most likely a band of Nebraska natives who ape Jesus Jones. Bottom Line: You'll find this CD comes standard issue with your cubicle when you start your unpaid internship at a corporate-run lifestyle magazine. You can then catch the band every Thursday playing a Lower East Side shithole where equally clueless past-life-nerd fans "rock out," but really just scam for drunken sex partners to later include in their uninteresting and never-to-be-completed memoirs. This is the sound of people giving up on music.

24 comments

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agent_friday_ 10/4/2005 2:10:36 PM

first gay.


jerseyislame_ 10/4/2005 2:18:19 PM

irony is the word of the day


anonymous 10/4/2005 2:29:26 PM

...continuing a legacy of writing the worst reviews ever...patrick kindlon


TRBR_ 10/4/2005 2:33:09 PM

AWFUL band.


TRBR_ 10/4/2005 2:34:14 PM

The best part is, the fans of this shitty band will see this review, whine about and post in the comments about it is wrong and how gay Patrick Kindlon is, BUT THE DUDES WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS BAND ARE WILL BE PUT OFF BY THE SHITTY REVIEW! Justice is so, so sweet sometimes. Early Man = shit.


n_ 10/4/2005 3:18:34 PM

metallica???


robert_ 10/4/2005 4:25:48 PM

I liked it better when it was called Pitchfork Media. Crap band, and even worse review!


truthsayer_ 10/4/2005 4:42:43 PM

I think the review did the album justice.


oil_ 10/4/2005 4:44:50 PM

i saw them open for mastodon, twas borring


truthsayer_ 10/4/2005 4:50:34 PM

Actually, to be honest - I liked this review. I liked this review a whole lot. It made me laugh, and it made me sad for the state of the music industry. Still...shit record, shit "band."


bloodfeastislandman_ 10/4/2005 6:25:58 PM

awful awful band. worse than kill em all


hxcobd_ 10/4/2005 8:28:29 PM

hahahaha, awesome review


anonymous 10/5/2005 10:00:57 AM

Early Man walked away, as modern man took control?


Arnold Rimmer_ 10/5/2005 1:10:17 PM

I couldnt give a f*ck about this band, but I enjoyed the review.


topsecret_ 10/5/2005 1:33:09 PM

I personally think that this album and this band rock. What makes this bullshit and then other throwback bands (i.e. doomriders, torche, to a lesser extent 3" of blood) awesome. I don't see the difference.... sometimes music has to be fun instead of a chore to listen to a figure out.


soccermom_ 10/5/2005 4:13:44 PM

haha, i know one of the guy's little sisters. f*ck that family and f*ck this band.


jerkface_ 10/5/2005 5:52:25 PM

As pretentious as this review is, I'm glad to see this band get publicly lambasted. I f*cking hate this kind of music.


din_ 10/5/2005 9:10:43 PM

LOL @ Bottom Line section.


Randy_ 10/5/2005 11:08:50 PM

just awful...really...what a boring shitty sounding...i dont even know what to say...it just sucks...


anonymous 10/6/2005 2:36:28 PM

The Bottom Line is a zing of epic proportions.


misteroverzealous_ 10/7/2005 4:02:27 PM

The Bottom Line is a zing of epic proportions. posted by () on 10/6/2005 2:36:28 PM


jimmydunn_ 10/9/2005 9:18:59 AM

where can i get a polished metal turd?


Strongarm_ 10/9/2005 10:53:38 PM

The man on the cover is quite handsome


what_is_wrong_with_you_ 10/12/2005 1:57:57 AM

I think this is the best review I've ever read.